“Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net.” Psalm 25:15
Psalm 25 hit my heart like a bullet this morning after being led there in prayer…verse 15 (above) is precisely what God did for me: He plucked me from the net in which my feet, my life, had been entangled for well over a decade. How I ended up there would take more space than this blog should hold but to sum it up: I was lost. I got caught up in a lie. “I” died, and was replaced by a cheap replica of my authentic self.
Standing by and watching yourself live a life you do not recognize, is something beyond surreal. Allowing it to go on and on, destructive.
A person’s spiritual death is probably far worse than a physical death…for one goes forth, merely coexisting with themselves in a medley of triumphs and defeats, until there are only defeats. A shell of one’s former self that eventually makes no sense, so even when that exoskeleton is shed, nothing is left but a void, a person without: Without love. Without life’s breath. Without understanding…
Knowing you are reaching this stage of the game (and that’s exactly what it is, a game being played with your life) where nothing makes sense; grasping at straws only to watch as they crumble in your hands. Where the only thing you can do is stand and stare at the image in the mirror and wonder…where? Where did “I” go?
It comes after you’ve lived a life that looked successful outwardly, but inward was chaos. Self-conflict was around the bend of every decision made, knowing that nothing would fill you up or satisfy. Instead, you merely “do”, for there is nothing else. You “work” because at least if you have something constructive, it’s better than what’s otherwise there. So you do and work and then, you wait. For what? Clueless…”I’ll know it when I see it” you say, lying to yourself yet again.
Life turns into the fitting room at a clothing store: You go in with a pile of things that look attractive until you have them on your body, only to find that everything you thought you liked, or might fit, was a disappointment. Nothing fits like your skin, which coincidentally, you are not comfortable in either. So you try, relentlessly, to find something that makes you more comfortable, to no avail. Suddenly, it hits you like a brick to the head…nothing is ever going to satisfy you until that skin you were born with fits correctly.
Struggle ensues. Your spirit grows increasingly restless as it longs for TRUTH. You begin to question, everything, and every person in your life. Suddenly, at the moment you least expect it, your life flashes before you; the bottom drops out and nothing makes sense. Your mind races out into the street, ripping off the clothes that bind you to a life you no longer want any part of.
There you stand: Naked in confrontation with yourself. A moment we are never prepared for and that is exactly how He wants it. We stand before our Creator, vulnerable. Calling out to Him desperate for TRUTH. “Help me, God” we yell, “praying” he hears. “Turn thee unto me and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.” (Ps 25:16)
Then He, with his amazing unconditional love, scoops us up, into his hands and whispers, “Rest.” Weary and lacking resistance, you submit; and for the first time in probably a long time (if ever), your spirit is eased. Then you may, as I found myself requesting, ask for help: “The troubles of my heart are enlarged, O bring me out of my distresses. Look upon my mine affliction and my pain; and forgive me all my sins.” (Ps 25: 17)
This simple request, changes everything. Instead of waiting and relying impatiently on yourself, you learn that you no longer have to depend solely upon yourself, ever again; you learn that someone loves you unconditionally, despite yourself. Hearing this good news was the most important moment of my life: It was the beginning, not the end.
I give my life to you, my heart to you…you’re all I need to come and make me new…” Elevation Worship, “I Give my Life to you” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBJquXewl-M