Powerless

“ For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” (Ephesians 6:12) 

You never know where life will take you, or those you love. Last year, I began having visions that I believed were of the Lord Jesus, regarding an immediate family member, whom I’d lay my life down for, I love them that much. These visions pertained to events in their life, and I wasn’t sure if they were current or future (or both) but were of a very serious nature. Then, in January of 2016, I received a call that shook me up: I immediately recalled said vision, realizing it had come to fruition, and the knowledge took my knees from underneath me, rendering me powerless.

Luckily, this person was close enough for me to go and see how I might help. This is how God orders our steps – not only had He moved me back to Cincinnati for many reasons but I firmly believe in preparation for this moment in time and others to come. Upon arriving at the hospital I tried to prepare myself, mentally and emotionally, for what I may walk in and find. I’ll withhold any details other than the following: 1) We were told that this could have been fatal. 2) Something was very off about how they were behaving that night. I sensed there was more to this story that I may ever find out…

I peeked through the curtain to see them (to prepare myself) before walking into the treatment area. I immediately sensed something demonic. What I witnessed was concerning; instead of lying in bed I could see them pacing back and forth, cussing, riffling through belongings and honestly not dealing with this in a way that was “normal” for someone with such extensive injuries. After talking with the nurse I was informed they suffered substantial injuries to several areas of their body that were both new and a couple of days old. The hospital released this person to my care and they urged me to keep them from returning to the area for as long as possible.

I have been aware of  the many issues this person battles on a daily basis. I discovered over the course of the next few days that this was not the first or second time such violence toward them had occurred; some of my suspicions about the person who did this were also validated as it was at least admitted drugs may have played a factor. I quickly put two and two together about the behavior witnessed that night in the ER (because I definitely spoke to a demon that night), but left it alone. My concern at the moment was just loving on, nourishing and praying for them while in my care.

^“I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.” (Psalm 32:8)

Fast forward to May:

I was feeling so free and happy. I’d finally been able to remedy my own distressing situation two weeks prior, and God had delivered me of that oppression! Then, while at work one day, I received a message from someone in the same relative’s circle of friends…the only reason he would contact me, was if something was wrong. What was disclosed sent me into a place in my mind of pure fear for this person: They had been pulled over while driving and some illegal items were found in their possession.

I didn’t even know how to feel. I tried desperately to keep it together during my drive home while praying my heart out to God; seeking understanding and wisdom, I cried and cried tears that came from the very depth of my soul. This pained me so deeply. It was a Friday evening and apparently this incident transpired the night before. They were being held at a jail in the middle-of-nowhere Kentucky.

I was so distraught I couldn’t function. I reached out to another family member who was more educated than myself on this subject and we discussed what might happen and what would be best for this person for the time being (trying to get them out or leaving them there for a bit). Well, that question was answered the next day as I called the jail to get further information: There was a rather costly cash bond and they would be held until it was either paid or they stood before a judge, which may not happen immediately.

I sought the Lord in prayer, for direction and wisdom on how to handle this. After discussions with both sides of this person’s family, we all agreed that it was best they stay in jail for the time being – plus, no one had that kind of disposable cash on hand!

A week later a couple of other family members and I made the drive to this very small town, a couple hours away, to visit this person. We wanted to check on them in person and see what we could bring or send them. The conditions of this jail were deplorable! I could only imagine what the holding cells were like. My concern and fear grew at this sight and I hoped the experience might break this person down enough to relent to God. Finally, we were able to pick up the old fashioned telephone to speak to our loved one. But, what was on the other end was not them…it was that demon I’d seen back in January in the ER. Unfortunately, I was its target.

Why?

Because the Holy Spirit had led me (and others) to leave this person there for their own safety and with hope God might breakthrough the darkness – somehow. It was angry at me for keeping it away from what it needed. Because it knew I would not be manipulated. We left not knowing what would happen next.

 “But even if you suffer for doing what is right, God will reward you for it. So don’t worry or be afraid of their threats.” 1 Peter 3:14

I struggled a lot emotionally with what was happening; it was tearing me apart knowing that this person was furious with me and they were in such a dark battle. I stood my ground and asked others to as well. But, when you love a person with the kind of love I have for this ONE, and you fret over the situation, there comes a time that God will intervene. The bag of emotions I was holding onto was eating me alive: anger, fear, love, hate for the devil, stress. I was so very angry with this person for making such a horrible decision, for continually making such poor decisions over the course of the past year. But, more importantly, I was afraid for their life. Information I’d been given pertaining to them after this incident, by those who’d been more directly involved, devastated me on so many levels – my soul screamed out for God’s love to break through.

To be honest, God had been revealing (to me) the state of this person’s life for a while. (A quick side-note: I sometimes do not enjoy my gifts of the Spirit because I “see” or discern frightening things before they happen. People in my life don’t usually appreciate this gift either…) Was that horrible feeling I’d had that the life of this person would crash down around them before Jesus could reach them, finally coming to fruition? I was on my knees, crying out, begging for God to take care of them but to also deliver them from this fire in a way that HE could actually work in their life. His will be done. I had compromised this relationship hoping to keep this person safe, in an attempt at elevating them to a better place!

A Better Way

One day while at work (I’m a nanny by day at present)I had a moment where I was desperately trying to walk through related emotions. On this particular day, the baby was super cranky due to teething. I was fighting frustration and laid her on a play mat, and just stared at her, holding back my own crying fit. I looked at this sweet, crying and pained baby and said, ‘do you want your blanket?’ She suddenly stopped crying and looked up at me – it was like an angel gazing upon my face: So pure and gentle. She smiled. At this simple thing, I began to weep as a wave of release came over me. I found myself asking her forgiveness for my frustration. At that moment she reached her little hand out toward me! I gave her my index finger and she took it, all while keeping her gaze fixed on me.

It was then that words I didn’t expect came rolling off my tongue as easily as the tears were rolling down my cheeks: I just feel powerless and I hate that nothing I’m doing has helped you!

What God will use in our lives to get us to a place of divine understanding proves exactly how much higher His thoughts and ways are than our own. As soon as those words reached air, He showed me this was how I had felt about so many things, for way too long. The heaviness I’d been inundated with, lifted immediately. The stress, lifted. The exhaustion, lifted! He showed me that yes, indeed, I am powerless. Helpless. The Holy Spirit reminded me that afternoon, through a tiny baby, that I’m not fighting these spiritual battles alone! Where there is God, there is a way. A BETTER way, amen!

Letting Go and Letting God…

One person can only handle so much before they start to cave in. I had been trying to give all this new stress and pain I was experiencing to the Lord, truly. Alas, He had to bring me to a certain threshold and make me see what I couldn’t, before a deep release could transpire. I had been resisting Him. I was trying to do what I thought was best for my relative, but only God knows for certain what is right for us individually; how to best remedy any situation.

This year, the Lord’s Prayer has been on repeat, playing through my mind. It is a reminder that His will be done, in and through all situations. That no matter how “good” my intentions may be, He has a plan that I know nothing of, including taking control in situations where our loved ones are concerned. We have to learn, often the hard way, to let go (completely) and let God do things. (Some may not be able to comprehend or believe this, but we cannot influence God’s ultimate will. He has his own way of putting wheels into motion. He can use us in situations, even those not of His will, but we don’t really change the outcome. We might delay it but if God wants something to come to fruition, it will. He is sovereign!)

Irony of ironies, the very next day my relative was bonded out of jail, after nearly two weeks, by someone they knew. I had very mixed emotions but He wrapped his wings of peace and wisdom around me and whispered, “be still and know that I am God,” reminding me of the lesson from day prior. A couple days later, I was blessed with an opportunity to wrap my arms around and remind my beloved that they needed people who love them, even when they resist us.

I pray, fervently, the fight someday falls out of this person and they finally run into the arms of the God who is awaiting their return to His fold. That the will allow His healing waters to wash over their precious, fragile soul.

The story isn’t over by far, but I have had to leave it completely in God’s hands, as well as my relationship with this person. He has held me close and helped me see it’s their own fear that keeps them at a distance from us both. I continue to pray over this situation, yet trust completely in God’s plan…whatever that may entail.

“Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.” (Matthew 6:9-13)