“Setting out from there, Jesus went to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan;
crowds gathered to Him again, and, as He was accustomed,
He once more began to teach them.” (Mark 10:1 NASB)
Ten years ago, yet light years away…
From there to where I am today.
To that, I say a hardy, AMEN!
A decade in the making…
Ten years ago, this month, I made a life-changing choice. It was not a wise choice and it was definitely not a good choice, however, I will never truly know if it was a choice I was supposed to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to. To be frank, I felt pretty pressured into it; backed against a wall to say ‘yes’ to marrying a man that I had hard doubts about, and saw many red flags waving around. But down the proverbial aisle, I walked toward hope. Some people I had never met made a huge fuss over us that day because they too had hope.
Quickly, to discover, I had to hold onto that hope daily. Intuition had not failed me, I failed myself. The vision I had in mind was my Savior smacking himself on the forehead, saying, “My child have you learned nothing while sitting a my feet as I taught you so many things over the years? You were such a good student; one I held out so much hope for. Why…why?” (He knew why.) Trust me, I felt ashamed of myself for not being able to speak up for what was right for me. And, being me, I tried my darnedest to be what that man wanted but the Spirit of The Living God within me would not allow me to unsee. Instead, HE made certain that my ability to “see” was strengthened threefold as every day revealed yet another thing that brought me to my knees in prayer.
He once more began to teach them…
This was a lesson that I needed to learn. The hard way, and for good. The trials of this “marriage” began on day one and never ceased. The scripture I lived and breathed was Luke 8:17, “For nothing is concealed that will not become evident, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.” There was a time when I had come to my end but I sought His face, knowing how my Jesus felt about divorce (Mark 10:2-12) and never wanting to disappoint Him, or become another statistic. The prayer I prayed during that time, through tears and a heavy heart, was for Him to show me what I was to do: If I am to stay, I will stay and I will love this man the best I can with your help; but if I am to leave, make it be known, without a shadow of a doubt! Several days later, this prayer was answered by hearing the sound of my protector and defender’s voice in my head after this man hurled language toward me that Yahwah clearly would not condone. “That is enough, it is time for you to go,” was spoken loud and clear. Then, He cleared the way.
Through every harrowing event, word, and even the silence – I learned. My rabbi (teacher), did not protect me from every little thing but most certainly made me remember a time in my life that the old trauma recognized the new and grew me. He kept my heart tender to and longing for HIM, while continuous sanctification and pruning, transpired. In the end, because it did end, and not well, I had come through the fire more ignited for Him than before
Adultery…
After some time of being loved back to life, the unspoken lessons of that season of strife were put on a shelf before me. There were reasons that I allowed myself to enter into such a relationship despite recognizing the deep spiritual issues that would divide us. They were not things of the flesh, they were on both our parts, dark roots of chaos. I, having done a lot of work to heal and clear myself of the past traumas of life, thought I was good. And, honestly, I may have been if those things weren’t uprooted all over again by the situation that I had gotten myself into. He, on the other hand, was heavy, heavy laden with past trauma and healing was never a thought that crossed his mind. No, instead he masked, misled, and manipulated everyone and everything he came in contact with. I honestly did not know what hit me until I did – the enemy thought he had me!
Heaven and hell fought through us. Thankfully, I trusted the One who always wins. But, the level of hard-fought win this was, took its toll on me, and an unexpected occurrence came at the end: I was sent out into the desert. As the bride of Christ, I had adultered against my husband and He “sent me away” (the Hebraic definition of divorce) for a while to search deeper and harder for not only His voice and guidance but for that which my soul truly needed to prevent this type of mistake from happening again. He took me, like Elijah, high and low. He ripped away the very essence of my life: feeling close to Him. I was walking amongst the dry bones and asking them how they arrived at that state.
Once, I got through the desert, my Husband invited me back in fully. I emerged wiser, more resilient, and with a spiritual strength that scared even me at times. All the while, and unbeknownst to me, he used that failed relationship to prepare me to face things to come without denying Who was guiding the steps I took until He removed anything that stood between us.
“And He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her;12 and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.” (Mark 10:11-12 NASB)
Healed and set free…
If you know you know. One issue that I hope to one day be completely healed and set free of is a weakness that has been pointed out and explained to me (by the Father) since that relationship. Like everyone else, I am a work in progress. I revel in the progress; I lean into the progress which in itself, regardless of the tears I cry along the sometimes hard path I walk, helps me recognize how ten years ago, are yet light years away in comparison. Again, I say, amen!