I felt the need to share the post below from my Substack “How Hard is Love, with my WDL audience. Some of you may relate. Some of you may be appalled.
I have no, nor will I receive any shame for sharing what Yahweh through his Son’s redemption has done in my life. I have been redeemed by His grace alone.
Regardless, someone needs to receive this message.
~Stacey
As a young girl, I developed several compulsive behaviors, two of which were healed many years ago: chronic obsessive compulsive disorder, which was quite cumbersome, and bulimia. However, the most secret and embarrassing compulsion I experienced was self-pleasuring, which led to escapism and living in a fantasy world that was out of control. This catapulted into the most long-lasting compulsion in attachment to people (especially men), and seeking to be “saved,” but it took me eons to understand what this stemmed from.
I have never been to a therapist in a traditional sense. In high school, we were offered a semester-long psychology course that opened my eyes to the fact that something was not quite right in my life. It did help me to work through some of the OCD issues, like hand-washing and teeth brushing. In my early 20’s I devoured every psychology book I could get my hands on at the little library where I lived. I also took a handful of courses on the topic in college. While I gained a tremendous understanding of human behavior, nothing stuck with me to help me overcome my own issues.
Most of this lasted until, at almost 35 years of age, I met TRUE LOVE: Jesus Christ. His divine “therapy” has been the most unbelievable experience of my life. Nothing compares to what Yahweh can and will do to pull us outside of the entrapment of our minds.
But in all transparency, even after being healed and delivered from a multitude of afflictions (think Mary Madgaline), I had one thing that lingered: a weakness with men that shape-shifted over the decades of my life. Compulsive behavior comes in many forms, and that is what this was. Not a habit. Not a vice. Not an addiction. So it had to be “treated” differently until I did not “need” it any longer.
There were familiar spirits that I had to allow discernment to rule over, since it was a deep-rooted spiritual issue. One that took a lot of years of God letting me see the outcome of that weakness and putting me alone in the wilderness with HIM, to break me of it. It was my “final” emotional crutch, and it needed to be CRUSHED. It was hard, I did not know how to break completely free, so He gently continued to pull back the curtain until I was healed enough in other areas of my traumatized brain to accept it and release it.
This year, I have slowly read the book, The Body Keeps the Score; slowly, because that is what it has demanded of me. For years, I have been praying for The Father to help me in the area of the lack of a mother’s love; I knew the type of relationship I had with my mother contributed to much of the trauma I experienced through adulthood, unto her death. Then, I came to a section of this book that the Holy Spirit told me to dwell in for a while. I reread it several times. Things highlighted aligned completely with what I was shown in the Spirit before reading the book.
There was also a video I came across from a therapist who dealt with “narcissistic” parental relationships that I watched, and something they stated clicked concerning how my mind worked in the area of this weakness, the compulsion: No one was coming to save me. While she was wrong about that because I was saved by someOne, what clicked is that I had been waiting for a person to sweep in and make everything better, to nurture and protect me, my whole life.
Yes, spiritually, I knew that was Yeshua’s role; however, deep within my soul, that traumatized and silenced little girl was still crying out for help. She had begun to heal after her even more traumatized mommy suddenly died, leaving her alone in this world (I was 49). Yet, she had, in a sense, always been alone to contend with every evil, hard, confusing thing life threw at her. Hearing that therapist say that ‘no one was coming to save me’ cracked the stronghold in that area, which the enemy of my soul had managed to keep in his grip for the past sixteen years, due to the presence and influence of my mother – the only parent I’d had, as even when my earthly father was present he was not emotionally attached to me. Never truly present.
(Lack of a father’s love is another issue, of course, but less so in my case, due to not having his influence in my life after age nine. And, I have dealt with and healed from all of my “daddy” issues thanks to my relationship with my heavenly Father.)
Since that healing transpired, Yahweh has put me through a couple of small trials to help me see I have, in fact, been healed of this one last compulsion where men were concerned. I stopped having premarital sex as soon as I committed my life to Christ (that was a different compulsion to share another time). It was simply the human desire for connection and often allowing “just anyone” into my life in an attempt to find it – and not loving myself well in the process. I wanted so badly to love and be loved that it became a source of great pain but also great growth.
I am so grateful to no longer have this deep stronghold taking precedence over my life. One cannot imagine the weight that has been lifted from my being to not feel this “need” that I did not understand or often want. It has been a dark cloud over my life and every relationship with a man I have tried to have (and there were many, sadly). I am thankful also to have found closure with my dear mother, who I know never meant to harm me, yet could never allow herself to find peace and healing in her mind. It broke my heart, knowing what I did and seeing the overall pain she lived in. It does not excuse how she treated me and the issues she brought on me, but forgiveness is necessary in healing all things.
If you relate to what I have shared, I pray for wisdom and understanding to find your heart and mind. If you would like to discuss this topic, please reach out.
~ May you find that shalom and undeniable peace only offered through the love of Yeshua/Jesus in relationship with The Father, who loves you so! ~
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