Controlled Chaos

There are certain paradoxes in life which we are probably just not meant to understand. In my life, those are usually people.

There is no deep philosophical or Biblical meaning to what I’m about to expound upon: Some people just have no business re-entering your life, after they have exited.

Now, I am a person who believes in giving second and sometimes, third chances, depending on circumstance. There are people out there who just aren’t socially or emotionally intelligent, who do and say things they should not, and need to be forgiven for this. Once in a while, I’m probably right there with them…therefore, I find it unfortunate that more people don’t have empathy for those who struggle to understand relationships for one reason or another.

Experience has taught me patience and understanding but even I have my limits, as I have found out the hard way over the years. I think it may be a cause for my single (unmarried) status as well, as I seem to attract men who don’t seem equipped to handle relationships. I’ve pondered and even asked others why this may be…the only helpful answer I’ve received is because I am kind-hearted and forgiving and people (read: men) must sense this.

Case in hand, a man whom I met, and dated on and off again for about 6 months, in 2006. My first impression of this lad was good: attractive, professional, fellow writer, funny and he knew how to dress! This guy was also 8 years my junior and from my home state. (At this point, I must give a disclaimer that I don’t normally write openly about someone I’ve been involved with out of fairness to them…it’s just not cool, but this is a rare exception.)

I am going to state this much: Sometimes you meet someone and you quickly realize that there is something not quite right but for whatever reason, you’re intrigued…or, you’re a sap and let someone worm their way into your life, despite smelling crazy! Yup, I’m guilty and more than once. I mean, look, Jesus told us to love our neighbor and hang out with those whom others deem unworthy because they deserve love too, right? So, I guess, even during the years I wasn’t walking with the Lord…my actual salvation was still in motion. I used to have a bad habit of wanting to help people…oh, wait, I think I still do! I digress…

This particular young man lingered in my life for quite some time after we stopped dating, basically until I just couldn’t do it anymore! I had moved across the country and he used to call me up and keep me on the phone for 4 hours, talking about nothing, in circles. Again, my shortcoming seems to be my kindness and patience…and he really seemed to be in a poor emotional state; I didn’t want to add to it so just let him talk my ear off. Now mind you, in that stage of my life I was not exactly a “good girl” and when we were dating I probably corrupted him a bit, or at least tried to. To his defense, he never entirely succumbed to my womanly wiles!

Fast forward to early 2013: I hadn’t thought about or spoken to this guy since spring of 2007. I had no iota where he lived or what he was doing…One day I was going along minding my own business, when the Lord stopped me in my tracks and directed me to find him and repent for the person I was back then; that he was a Christian and I had attempted to sway him to the other side. I was like, “Whoa…really?” So, being the obedient daughter I am, using my super-sleuth research skills, I tried to find this guy. After weeks, I hit dead-end after dead-end and approached the Lord, apologizing, telling him that if He really wanted me to do this, He was going to have to deliver him to me…and guess what? He did.

Let me tell you something…when God wants you to do something, he’ll pave the way!  Talk about mysterious…

So, I contacted this person, hoping it was him, and then gave it away to the Lord. A couple of weeks passed and I didn’t get a response and swept it into the corners of my mind. Then, one night while checking my email, there they were: two messages from him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to open them, but did so. He was “happily surprised” to hear from me. I took a moment to sit in prayer and asked the Lord to guide my words as I wrote my letter of repentance. What happened next…

What is that scripture in Timothy about the enemy coming in like a roaring lion to devour you? (No, it wasn’t that bad but as of yesterday morning, it felt sort of like that.) Long story short: This guy decided on his own merit (he confessed this later) that God must have some greater purpose than wanting me to repent – for bringing me back into his life – so wanted us to get reacquainted, especially now that I was walking with the Lord. I was hesitant and did pray on it. I thought it would be okay for us to discuss our relationship with God and what He had been doing in our lives. It actually turned out to be a cool experience…at first. We enjoyed (again) many hours on the phone and Skype discussing the Lord. But then, I made an unfortunate discovery…when we weren’t talking about the Lord, he still smelled crazy. 🙁

This saddened me, as we had really begun to bond in the Lord and I really liked the side of him that was godly, but the flip side of that was pure chaos. It got sort of ugly as he had also been trying to convince me that God told him I was to be his wife, thus the purpose for my finding him. I’m not a very gullible but I’ve heard stranger things and did consider it…briefly. However, after a couple of months, the wolf in sheep’s clothing started to be present, more often than not. I wondered how in the world this could be: how could a man who seemed to walk so closely with the Lord, be so emotionally unstable?

God, I knew, had a reason for all of this…not one that was clear but He did. I was in some serious prayer and finally felt released to end my communication with this man. Ironically, the same night I was prompted to do so, he beat me to it. Needless to say, I was really happy he wrote to me before I hit “send”…I couldn’t fathom hurting his feelings so was glad he felt things weren’t right and was big enough to say so. After that, I thought it was put to rest.

Well, apparently, I thought wrong…

December 24th, 2013: I arose, after a late night of research, at around 8:30 A.M. It was a big day for me and I intended on having as little stress and distraction as possible. I picked up my mobile phone to read my “Daily Bible” verse and noticed I had two missed calls and a text message, starting at 6:20 A.M. `till around 8:20 A.M. The text message read: “Please call me when you get this”…any guess who they were from? Yup… (I still had his contact info in my phone otherwise I wouldn’t have known.) I sat there for a moment a bit stunned. Had something happened? Did he need prayer? (Yes, God in me always thinks this, okay?)

Oh boy…I call, he picks up and I ask him if he’s okay? Yes, I’m fine…did you listen to my voicemail, he asks? No, I didn’t realize there was one. He says, “I had this intense dream about you. It woke me up and I felt a sense of urgency to call you.”  My retort was, well, you do realize that things that seem urgent aren’t necessarily of the Lord, right? Oh, he says. He wouldn’t tell me about the dream but proceeded to keep me on the phone…for two hours. We sort of played catch up…but knowing this cat as I did…I sensed something else was coming. Finally, toward the end of the call he let it out: I would really like to re-enter your life.

Oy!  All I said in return was that I’d consider it but only under the pretense of friendship. If he couldn’t respect that, then no way, I stated. Then I had to go…

We spoke a couple of times over the next week or so…he seemed to be respecting my request. Then, on New Years Eve, he called me at midnight: I was home and my neighborhood was mid-fiesta and sleep was not happening, so I talked to him. During the call, he fell off the cliff…he brought up our being a couple. He said after the “dream” (which I still have no detail of) he truly believed God was trying to tell him that it was our time. Uhm, apparently at this point, I…went away…enter, the Holy Spirit…who apparently gave him an earful and I have no recollection of what came out of me…because at the end, he says, “Who was that talking?” I said, it must have been the Lord communicating through me. He got really quiet and stated that it was something he needed to hear and it was convicting. He was very quiet, which was not like him. We ended the call.

I heard crickets from then on…I thought, prayed, it was finished.

But, alas, I was wrong. This past Saturday morning I awoke to see a missed call on my phone from 12:02 A.M. from him.  I texted to see if he was okay. Yes, I’m okay. I was on my way to bed at 10:39 P.M., my phone rang, it was him. No way was I answering – I was exhausted and had an early morning. The next day I texted and asked him what he wanted and he replied, “we need to talk!” I sensed what was coming…I called him and asked what was on his mind. He said that he was very clear…’I am supposed to be with you,’ he declared! (More to it but am keeping it short and sweet…)

Ladies and gentlemen, when a person says this to you and your entire body starts to go into convulsions, you feel like you’re having an anxiety attack, tears rush to your eyes AND you feel sorry for the person saying it…THAT is God telling you NO!! Do not mistake it for anything else. I heard him out and then gently, yet firmly, told him that I was sorry but I am not at peace with this and God has not given me such confirmation. I believe you are mistaken about the message of this dream and about my being THE ONE for you. You deserve to be with a woman who is right for you, and I am not she.

He said a few things and I could hear a crushing disappointment in his voice as he quietly said what I sense is, his final good-bye, to me. I felt horrible but really, what could I do? I could not let this continue. No, God’s plan for my re-entering this person’s life was not what he desired but it was not purposeless. I don’t really need to know why…I merely hope I did my part. I do pray that someday this guy will have the answers he seeks about himself, peace on what he really needs and does find a woman who will love him as he so desires and deserves, if it is God’s will.

The moral for me is sevenfold: to have a back-bone, to not allow chaos into my life, especially when it’s not fruit bearing; to not allow my kindness to be taken advantage of. Not to settle for a person that I know is not right for me. To be open (but not desperate, which is where it seems this man is) to whomever comes along. To wait on the Lord and His perfect peace in waiting for the man God intends for me, if, that is His plan. I’m not clear on that last part and may never be and it’s fine, as I am content being the bride of Christ! 

 

 

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