This series discusses healing from familial loss and abuse, as well as the importance of setting and keeping personal relationship boundaries throughout the process, and how I have personally been led by Adonai in such situations. Start from part 1 to follow my journey of relearning how to be a captive set free from bondage brought on by the actions of others.
Restoring Abba’s Psalm 139 girl
This good work The Father is doing in me began over 15 years ago. Before October 27, 2009, when I finally yielded to Him after 20 years of running away. Soon after Adonai finally won the struggle for my soul, I came across Psalm 139 and it shattered all delusions I’d fashioned that I could hide myself from the One who knew me before conception, so I relented. I decided if He could love me despite all of the UGLY inside of me, He deserved all of my heart, mind, and strength. He deserved for me to lay my life down at his feet. Sounds a lot like the first commandment doesn’t it?
Friends, Yahweh places his “Torah” or instructions into our innermost places without any effort from us – IF we truly and completely submit our lives into His hands. The point of every one of the “laws” is restoration back to Him after being held in captivity for generations. To “relearn Him” and his ways. The lost ways!
I had been trying to honor my mother as we are instructed and love her as a daughter, my entire life. But doing so – the way she expected – caused me to be torn in two and it was keeping sin nature at my doorstep. I pleaded with Adaoni to help me to stop reacting negatively to her, right up to the week she suddenly passed away.
Released from familial sin
Now, that old person inside of me can finally be put away. Sadly, the same issue ran rampant through my immediate (maternal) family. Whatever the original spiritual issue was that provoked the things we all endured, I now believe I’m completely free. There have been moments, since the severance of those relationships, where I have struggled to understand “who” I am without such influence and chaos manifesting itself, but praise Adaoni, more than ever I understand to “whom” I belong. This transitional stage (or perhaps it has been transcendent) has made me feel a bit awkward and empty at times. But I waited, realizing that in Adonai’s perfect timing, all would be made perfect and the voids filled in His way. Thus far, waiting has paid off.
Trust, however, I certainly do not miss being overwhelmingly heavy laden by the false burdens placed upon my shoulders by those looming black clouds over my life. Do I miss my family? Yes. I miss what few good parts there were. But I do not miss the dark and evil presence that resided within them. I do not miss being angry with my mother nearly all the time due to her deep spiritual and emotional issues – which she refused to ever get help for. (As I’ve previously stated, I had compassion but I was also a target at any given moment.) Issues which caused her to be detached from me emotionally, yet, she put crazy pressure on me to be perfect; she was never aware of what I truly needed, and she was emotionally and verbally abusive my entire life. I do not miss worrying to death about offending my sister or sending her into an emotional spiral if I said the wrong thing, then cutting me off from her life. (Which happened after she gravely disrespected then threatened to hurt me right after Mom died.)
I could not save them. It was not my job, despite my best efforts to love them the way God loves me.
Being Fully Released
My explanation may seem flippant. It is not, it is simply me giving everything a very broad overview so I’m not pulling you into emotional places you don’t need to go. I am not looking for your pity – I don’t want or need it!
My goal and The Father’s is to give hope to those who’ve also endured such things, that healing is absolutely possible. Joy and peace are also absolutely possible. A normal life – completely possible! You simply have to walk through the gamut to get there. You have to be deeply driven toward wholeness to achieve it, and it’s honestly only possible with Adaonai at your side. While these posts contained heavy topics I was not depressed while composing them with Him. I have shed some tears but that is my Redeemer’s way of showing me I’m being fully released from what I’ve endured. After I let the tears flow, a deeper peace arrives and my spirit feels completely settled; I know I’m being restored! Hallelujah!
I pray for anyone who feels stuck to open the door to your heart so He can do for you what he’s done for me – our Father in heaven is no respecter of men and will do for others what he’s done for one. But, it would be my honor to hear from anyone who needs an ear to hear, a kind word, prayer, or wisdom. You can contact me by clicking –> here.
Blessings and shalom!
Oh, and Happy Passover (Pesach)