Relearning How to be a Captive Set Free Part 1

This past week marks five years since The Father relocated me to East Tennessee. April 12th, 2019 began what I now understand has been my personal wilderness experience. A transition. One where I’ve been relearning how to be a captive set free. I love to research the significance of numbers from a Biblical perspective; when I sat down to type and pulled it up online, I found much confirmation on what I’m about to share as the number 5 – which represents Yahweh’s grace and favor for humanity; also, the fifth commandment of Moses is to honor thy mother and father.

Learning to be alone 

When two lives are intertwined for multiple decades, any quick severance can be quite traumatizing. This can be a family member, spouse, or close friend. If the relationship is an unhealthy bond the repercussions that come forth after a split or death can be life-altering. This move to Tennessee five years ago was Adonai’s great mercy upon me; He knew the exact date of my mother’s death – He orchestrated everything in all three of our lives, to that point. He separated us (set me apart) far in advance so the unhealthy bonds could finally begin to break off. While I chose to drive back to Ohio often enough to visit my mom and sister, not being “right there” was good for me. However, it also caused even more distress in my relationship with Mom. She resented me and could not acknowledge it, even when I confronted her.

The separation was the start of learning to be alone in a way I never had to be, or really could be due to feeling obligated to family responsibilities.

After much prayer and supplication spanning these past five years, the understanding I’ve received regarding this “wilderness” is vast and personal. And perhaps one word best sums it up: merciful. The Father’s vision is so much broader than we can ever perceive. As I have stated, time and time again, His sovereignty reigns and rains over us so gently at times it can go unnoticed by most people. I believe – no, I know – the relationships Adonai abruptly severed in February of 2023 with the sudden death of my mother, immediately followed by the death of the relationship with my sister were His grace and mercy on my life, and theirs.

I have tried to respect my family’s privacy through my writing. Although, there was a season when we were dealing with my sister’s issues that I wrote about her and the effect her decisions had on our lives; then, the joy of seeing her clean and sober for the first time since she was quite young. But, not about my mother. This is why the Biblical significance of the number five was confirming, I tried to be a good daughter.

Both my mother and sister( who is 11 years 363 days my junior) were/are very unhealthy people whom I loved with all I had and still do. Yet, neither knew how to properly receive or give love, let alone cope well with life. I understand why and, to the best of my frail ability, I portrayed nothing but compassion and understanding, throughout our relationships. Unfortunately, the same was never returned, and the relationships proved extremely taxing on my spirit. To them, I was a stranger in a strange land, who didn’t worship the same god (literally and figuratively) but more intensely, I had allowed the God I worship to love me back to life, into wholeness, therefore I became “toxic” to them. In reality, they were midnight black clouds over my life that The Father decided to blow away for good.

This week on my personal calendar also marks two additional milestones that fall on the same date: my 50th birthday and the day, five years ago, Adonai led me completely out of attending a Sunday church and into what has been a trying testament of my Faith in trusting Him to guide my walk.