If ever there were a catharsis (the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.), writing would be mine. Second to writing would be dancing. Both of which I’ve had to give away to God, in hopes I come to experience them in a purer form of expression…
The days gone by, when I used my gifts to illuminate the darkness in my life, are just that, gone. I am thankful. I don’t normally share old work here because I know God does not want me to use it to serve Him. I have so many years of poetry (I’m talking hundreds of pieces) stashed away, that I sometimes am sad in this fact. Does God really intend for it to be kept hidden? I believe not, I think He’ll allow me to utilize it in a fashion which will shine light on Him and display the difference in me, for His glory.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding…It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones (Proverbs 3:5,8)
I am being led to share now, a piece which I wrote when I was merely 21 years old. This piece is about the man who was in my life at the time. I believe it shows a depth and maturity, and deep sense of the path he was on in life that I don’t know if I could portray, where I sit today. Why? It’s dark. I resided in darkness when I wrote it. At one point I didn’t believe I could express things in this way again: God sort of proved me wrong. He allows it, when He needs to use it.
I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things. (Isaiah 45:7)
“And Then He Fell”
…and then he fell…
Into a cloud…
Which turned to stone;
Flat and smooth,
A perfect circle.
…but as he fell…
his eyes burst into flames
and his heart went into his throat.
…and when he landed…
he was a corpse…
long been stony white.
No eyes, no heart-beat,
No soul to squeeze dry.
…and then he fell.
I remember my reaction after this poured from me. I was a bit terrified to be honest. I came to look upon it as a warning that this person was bad news and I needed to purge him from my life, quickly.
The poetry of my past ranged from screaming pleas such as this to erotica. From beautiful socially driven proclamations to cries for help. I know that God created me to be a writer, to utilize the gifts I was formed with…but as a person who now wants nothing more but to exemplify Him…well, let’s just say sharing some of that stuff with the world just doesn’t seem to do this:
Our souls, it seems, do intertwine.
They dance and sing; shining brightly,
But bring them out into the light—they’d run and hide,
Maybe even cry.
Reasons why may seem complex but mostly
Our souls have not had much rest.
They’ve jumped around from fate to fate, wearing down
Till there’s nothing left.
My soul it screams, deep and low, that yours is its match, and it will not let you go.
I look at the piece above and cringe…Praise the Lord – I am so far removed from this person, today! This woman didn’t have the love of Christ residing in her heart therefore she didn’t understand that holding onto something that was in demise, that no longer resembled love, was hurting her more than she’d ever realize: She was desperately fighting for something that would never come back.
I post a question to my brethren who are also artists…what would Jesus do? Would He say it’s okay publish such things or leave them in secret? My answer is this: these things have gathered dust over the years because many of them, due to their graphic nature, I was embarrassed to share. Truth. Therefore those pieces shall be kept secret to most.
Then why in tarnation would God insist I share my ugly testimony with the world? Why would I…it is the LEAST I can do, allowing Him to use my past, in return for giving me another chance in life.
I mentioned dance in my opening statement…dance was something that started out purely as a private form of expression for me…Something I discovered I had the ability to do well, while alone in my room. I had always been a dancer but always in a controlled activity such as cheerleading or a theatre production. What started out as a healthy vent, over time the enemy turned into a tool of seduction. No, I was never a stripper!! Satan didn’t need me to be that obvious, however, I was told I could have made a lot of money. The thought, as those words were spoken in my direction, time and time again over the years, sickened me. Unfortunately, movement took on a life of its own; I lost control when the music at the club or party would come on. What I did was not of my own ability. Period. I was a woman possessed.
It took time, after coming to the Lord, to walk completely away from this part of my life. It was so innate, that I didn’t realize what it looked like to others. When I did finally have that ‘aha’ moment, I completely walked away…I even stopped taking Zumba classes at the gym. Cold turkey! Truth be told – I miss it. Once in a while I’ll turn on some Gospel Hip-hop and see what my body does. I can say that I believe I am finally getting to a good place, a pure place. I cannot (nor would I want to) listen to secular dance or hip-hop music in order not to back-slide. It’s all about the words and the rhythm (angry, sexy, explicit). I prefer to keep myself in God’s good graces if you know what I mean.
God is teaching me dance moves that are more pleasing to Him; I trust that soon enough we’ll be choreographing dances together again. I very much look forward to the day…
Ladies and Gentlemen, heed my words: if you are participating in such fleshly, immoral behavior and you proclaim Christ, do not believe that God is looking down upon you and smiling. If you aren’t in Christ, I can attest to what dancing with the devil does to your soul and it isn’t pretty. It attracts all the wrong attention your way and keeps you in a dark, deceptive place.
Friends: Artists are the catalysts for change and I have chosen to give my creativity over to the Lord; to allow Him to express his desires through me. I cannot fully express the amazing, and freeing, difference having light as opposed to darkness be my guide, has made in my life. This is a huge part of my testimony as it’s also my future, not just part of my past and present, therefore relevant.
He that followeth after righteousness and mercy findeth life, righteousness, and honour. (Proverbs 21:21)