It’s been a while since I’ve stared at this blank page. It’s not for lack of desire or things to write, rather, God has been holding me at bay while using me in new ways. Honestly, my ministry focus has shifted from out there to in here: In my house, in His house and closer to home (so to speak).
After Jesus (my first husband), my earthly husband – my earthly lord – has become my priority, as it should be. Am I torn between what my life once resembled and what it resembles now? Occasionally. However, we stay so busy between the business we started together (God led) and the ways in which we serve the church He planted us in, I am too tired to think in too many directions. Do I still write? Yes. Does the Lord still use me as a vessel via the written word? Yes…just not words I’m to share just yet.
Instead, God is using me up close and personal. He has led me to a place where everything he has allowed throughout my life and across the past 6 years, to be utilized. As usual God has shown Himself to be THE God in unfathomable ways; He has led me to a ministry I never expected, in a church where I personally wouldn’t have wanted to plant roots due to many factors. But “For as the heavens are higher than earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:9)
For so long it was just me and Jesus…and to be honest, I do miss that! (I’m sure my hubby won’t be upset about this…). But God revealed that during that solitude He was preparing and refining me for today. Helping me hear His voice clearly and being able to get myself into the throne room with him, without a pastor or worship team’s help. Just the three of us. He knew what was to come. He also knew how much I would struggle these past 7 months. I’m grateful He equipped me but boy do I feel like I fail him, daily! This is foreign and uncomfortable but presumably necessary pain for me.
Have you ever felt like you failed God? Does it break your heart as much as it does mine? Like me, do you wonder if you’ll ever stop being a target for the enemy? Well, don’t forget that God allows all things to happen, even darkness and evil are under His jurisdiction…so remember “to everything there is a purpose” and normally it’s that refiner’s fire he’s putting us through. Our job is to keep our eyes squarely on the cross; to stand firm in faith, enduring to the end!
Heh…I’m learning how hard that can be for what might be the first time. He is using a constant trial to show me how much ugly is still in my heart and I HATE it. HATE – not a word I use often, but in this case, it is the only one strong enough. Ironically, as He walks through it all with me (because without my Lord, there’s no telling how far I would get) and ensures me that beauty will come from ashes. In fact, He puts HIS glory before me using things only he could create and it feels like he orchestrates them especially for my sight to show me he is near, in a whole new way. It’s like my heavenly Father has created a new love language just for me and Him, by creating moments (like the one pictured below) that take my breath away and invoke excitement.
Has this happened in your life and you simply aren’t aware? Has God been trying to speak a new love language with you; hoping to capture your attention and bestow upon you His richness and glory? To me it is my Father’s way of reminding me that no matter how ugly my heart may look, He still loves me and is there with me. He sent his son, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to hold our hands, to embrace us, through the moments we feel alone and soiled. I encourage you to never let go…
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.” (John 3:16-18)