“We love him, because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
I never knew what the love of a father was like. The closest thing to that adoring love in my life came from grandfathers and a great-grandfather, but even that love was fleeting as one was forced to abandon me and the other didn’t know how to show love well, as best as he tried. My own dad left me behind for a new family and my mother’s second husband was never a father figure being an addict and abuser. So, today is dedicated to the ONE I love…
One might think, in my mid thirties, it was too late for me to desire, let alone obtain, the love and wholesomeness that a woman can attribute to having a good dad, but somewhere deep in my hardened heart lay a dormant need. Then, along came THE FATHER…I remember where I was the day I heard a message stating that God loved me, despite how ugly and undeserving I believed myself to be. It was a truly life-changing moment. Oh, and when I read His love letter to me in the Bible, a love for Him swept through my heart like an inferno:
“O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.” (Psalm 139:1-18)
Dear Abba Father – how dedicated you must have been to my creation, to love me and want me since before I was ever conceived. How much love you must possess for me to know every grain of evil in my heart, and love me unconditionally still. Why am I, a lowly sinner who is still unearthing hurt from the deepest depths of my heart, worthy of Your agape love, your lovingkindness toward me, your…attention? Why, ABBA did you chase and chase after me in relentless pursuit of my soul after all the years I denied you so openly?
Thankfully, You explain why, Oh LORD, in your Word. It is a promise made to me in the birth canal as You whispered into my heart and breathed life into my nostrils. Because you LOVE me…Oh the honor of it makes me fall to my knees in worship and praise! I lift my voice and devote written words for only Your use, to give you the glory for not just for my life, God, but all life.
Never could this wretch of a woman have imagined, through her shame, guilt, self-hatred and many layers of hurt, how an invisible man (and not the ones I fantasized would free me from a disturbed life) could in an instant, wrap His great arms of grace and mercy around my weary soul and squeeze life back into me. Still, today, nearly seven years in the making, grasping Your love is difficult. Yet, I cling to it. Beg for it. Seek it out and try my best to spill it out, all around me. It is an addiction I am not ashamed of. A dream that has finally come true. A life that is hardly explainable and a joy that I never conceived…for I knew it not, before the ONE adopted me into His family.
Happy Father’s Day, Abba!
‘Thank you’ will never suffice in my eyes…so I dedicate my life to – prepare to be a living sacrifice for – the ONE who first loved me.
Oh sweet Jesus – thank you, thank you, thank you for introducing me to my rightful Father. For pouring into my heart in the blink of an eye so that I might receive that message of love He has waiting for me and so many others. I pray that you will lead me to others who have missed His love in their hearts – who are hurting, broken and so in need of our Abba Father’s agape love in order to be restored: mind, body and spirit. Please prepare the way and the hearts in advance, so those whom have ears to hear and eyes to see can receive our Father’s amazing grace. Amen!