Did God Intend to Change Me? (Part 1)

psalm-34-8

Part 1: Sign Your Name Across My Heart

As only He can, Jesus has picked up the pieces of my shattered heart, and hand-sewn it back together. Yes, “hand-sewn” not glued. Glue is a quick and sometimes temporary fix, however, hand-sewing a thing takes time and patience; it takes skill. Jesus definitely has mad sewing skills! Jesus has certainly signed his name across my heart, permanently, amidst all this repair. But amidst this repair, I wondered: Did God intend to change me?

How do I know? Well, Jesus has been picking up the pieces of my life and repurposing it for at least the last 7 years. He has darned and patched holes that sprung up from mistakes I’ve made, or jumping ahead of God, while attempting to get acquainted and acclimated to what He has made of out of my life. Unfortunately, or fortunately, living life for Christ requires growth, therefore just when we get comfortable in our new skin – the seams rip and we find ourselves standing naked before the Lord – often torn from the inside out.

This has been my life over the past two years. Once I reached the 5-year mark, at age 40,  in this new life of walking with Christ Jesus, it seemed like all hell broke loose. Biblically, the number 5 represents God’s grace and the number 40, a season of trial, testing or probation. I can certainly attest to receiving an amazing amount of God’s grace in my 40th year, one filled with both loss and stress on many levels. I was indeed in a season where I experienced trial, testing and probation. Now entering the seventh year, I sort of laugh (nervously) at its symbolism. Why? Honestly, I walked through very rough terrain in the 6th year; the significance of six: man and human weakness – is exactly what this series will describe. The number 7 represents what I pray the past couple of years have purposed in me: completeness and perfection (spiritual and physical), while 42 (my present age) signifies the coming of the anti-christ. The end times. (The significance of 7 and 42 together, are a bit concerning!)

For my life, this speaks volumes. I have poured myself out on the floor, over and over, for Jesus, praying whole-heartedly to be purified. Sanctification has been of the utmost importance to me from the beginning of my new life with Christ. Over the past two years I truly opened my heart up to being in an intimate relationship again; this brought much heartache and opened up old wounds. First, came a promise from God, that ended up broken. Then came a marriage to someone whom I discovered, despite his stating otherwise, is not walking with Jesus. Unfortunately, I was not able to truly discern the truth until after I said ‘I do’. (I pray you refrain from judgment.)

This series of stories are probably going to be the most revealing and trying I have ever written. I avoided sharing what I had hand written, for weeks. God resorted to giving me a slight infirmity to make me stay home and face Him. To share this makes my heart cry and I understand why: It means re-living what I want to put behind me. It means admitting failures. It means being vulnerable to whatever the Lord decides to work out through this testimony – and trusting Him completely with the outcome. This is about more than just leaving a marriage and why; it is also about being delivered of some deeply rooted spiritual things, through the outcome of the marriage, so I can be “free indeed.”

If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” (John 8:36)

At the end of the day, it’s about maintaining a pure relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ…and not compromising that which I have given everything of myself to, since October 27, 2009. If I had continued on the path I found myself on, I truly feared for my relationship with the Lord, and for myself. I began to foresee all the work Jesus had done in my heart and soul, unraveling. I was clinging for dear life to the thread of Jesus’ robe, feeling as though I had gone back in time 7 years to a time before being delivered of a lifetime of hurt.

After praying my way through this “marriage”, I knew two things for certain: Jesus’s name was still written across my heart and that God was, and is, so very faithful. I am one grateful daughter!

“And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any,

Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.

And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.

And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.” (Luke 8:43-48)

My prayer:

Dear Lord GOD,

I seek your face. While on my face. On my knees. In prayer and searching for help and answers. You are wherever I need you to be, meeting me wherever I am. You never leave me thirsty. I am so grateful Lord for all you are and all you are not. All you reveal and all you may withhold for our own good. You walk with us through the sands of the desert, you sit with us in our silent times where we have nothing but tears to offer you. Your LOVE – whether it is soft or tough, is so sweet Father. We need both, as to be nurtured and corrected back onto the right path. Thank you is not sufficient enough – ever – for the overflowing of my heart for your presence in my life. For your tight grip on me as I walk through the refiner’s fire and out into your grace and mercy. I am not worthy but am SO grateful you think I am worth the fight! I praise you LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!

This song from Kari Jobe certainly wraps all this up in a beautiful song of praise to you My Lord.

“Find You On My Knees”

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