“Camping out is meant to be done in the woods,
not in one’s mind!”
October 20, 2016: Where I sit today is not exactly where I want to be, nor where I once was. The woman who normally resides at this physical address is confident, fun, excited about life and maybe even a little audacious. She understands and lives for her anointing from the Lord Jesus. She has truly found herself through her identity in Christ…
…It hurts my heart that this final incident with the man I married affected me so adversely. (See Part 3)
During the weeks following this incident, spiritual manifestations occurred that the Lord made me keenly aware of; at the same time He was stripping them off and dangling before me because I asked him to. Yes, I enjoy cruel and unusual punishment…ha ha! No…truthfully, it is with purpose – out of concern that ungodly spirits had attached themselves to me. I want no part in this – my prayer stands: “Please keep sanctifying me Lord until there is nothing left but you!”
“But that is not the way you learned Christ! assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:20-24)
Recognizing things I need to work through, such as occasional bitterness and a bruised heart, help, for I refuse to camp out there! The bouts of sadness out of nowhere have probably been the most difficult part; I allow myself to feel, without denying it, but am definitely not receiving it as a permanent part of my composure. Thank goodness I’ve learned to discern the difference between sadness and torment, which is from the devil, not God:
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18)
Trusting in His Process
My ability to connect with people shifted, which the Lord revealed is from being subjected to much rejection during this season; rejection can cause dangerous spiritual unrest.
God and others have let me know it’s okay to set strong boundaries with people. God will get me to where I am meant to be, in His timing. Until then, I see and find Him in the waiting. I seek him in the shadows and in the open. The fact that I am so far (in distance) from my core group of sisters/friends in Christ, did not make this trial any easier. Thankfully, when I reach out they are a willing ear. Through this He is teaching me how to be unmarried again, in order to re-establish my true identity in Christ.
In attempt to reignite my heart, God has pushed me to partake in hobbies I enjoy like hiking (yes, alone), travel, photography, and being outdoors because that is where God is seen easiest – out in His beautiful creation. Understanding that I cannot rush Him or plow my way through emotional moments any longer has made me be kinder to myself. (Although, admittedly, I pushed things in the beginning, by becoming over committed, which didn’t do me or anyone else much good.)
I’ve always bounced back from that which has tried to push me down, quickly, so this season is difficult for me. It’s different, uncomfortable. There is a sense in my spirit that He is changing me but into whom, I cannot tell. I pray it’s into a more loving and compassionate person than existed in this skin ever before.
I always try to see the good and beautiful in people and, unfortunately, that hasn’t faired well for me recently; the hurt endured came from others who proclaim Christ and that is never easy. (Fortunately, the enemy’s plot to distance me from other Believers didn’t work.) Despite, I definitely possess a renewed sense of compassion toward those who need His love, but who may not wish, or are unable, to receive it.
This Humbling Experience
One thing is for certain: I’ve been humbled into the dirt. God is breathing life back into these dry bones; he ground them up and scattered them back into the dust they were created from. Now, I patiently await the emergence of the new person He is sculpting me into. I am taking (and LIVING) life one day, and one prayer, at a time.
Thank you Jesus for allowing this woman to wash your feet with her hair and tears, while begging for mercy at your feet, and trusting for your promise to make me whole again; to fill the God shaped hole with your unwavering agapeo! The enemy is not going to steal my joy any longer; I recognize and repent with all my heart for letting him steal my power, Christ’s power in me, but at least I’m trying hard to overcome. In Christ I AM victorious and I need to keep that written across my forehead.
“But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (! Corinthians 15:57)