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As you Wonder Down That Path Adonai May Be Testing You Part 3: Reflection

Recently, the Ruach HaKodesh/Holy Spirit has been bringing me to a place of reflection. I believe this is in preparation for the coming Passover season, as we are to clean the leaven (sin) from our homes (lives) during this time. He reminded me of the second part in this series of posts and then provoked  memories of the early days of my walk with Yeshua. In part 2, the following was a most difficult statement to make as it seems like open rebuke of people:

The Ruach HaKodesh/Holy Spirit revealed, while I was writing part 1, how there are people who need to go down this path in order to be brought into a right place in the eyes of The Father. Also, there are those who received Yeshua/Jesus as their savior and received grace, but failed to allow actual reconciliation to The Father through sanctification and deliverance from sin. Perhaps they went the grace route and won’t allow that deeper work required of those who call on His HOLY name, in order to enter the Kingdom on the day of Yeshua’s second coming.

Once upon a time, I was one of those people who needed The Father’s correction. If you aren’t familiar with my testimony, in brief, I came out of about 20 years of deep sin. I grew up in church but for good reason at age 14 decided that “Jesus” didn’t love me or He wouldn’t have allowed so many bad things to happen to me. That 14-year-old-girl evolved into a very lost adult who was full of bitterness, pride, pain and lust; who lived it all out loud until the Father chased her down at age 34 1/2. I was tired and desperate for understanding, yearning for deep change, and had been for years. There is no irony that The Father, as he so graciously redeemed me from a life of sin, planted a love for the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) deep into my spirit. Hence, revealing the truth of the life He expected me to live. In order to break from me a harlot spirit, He had to show me a reflection of myself, through her, in His word. 

He knows me well; I needed tangible examples in order to not only be a hearer and seer of His word, but also a doer. It took a lot of work on both our parts to break that spirit from me. It was angry and didn’t easily release me from its clutches. It was not until I began writing the book containing my testimony that I saw who I really had been….and it destroyed me. I begged Jesus to help me believe, despite my unbelief; to create in me a clean heart and return a right spirit within me. I denied who I had become for many years, yet, all along I loathed her and wanted to be free. We must truly want to be free and do the work involved in sanctification. Prayerfully and expectantly, I allowed Him to peel back every single layer of dead skin that was wrapped around me. All the while, camping out in the Hebrew Bible, gleaning from His Word what He wants from His people. This led to my asking why most of the Believers around me didn’t also want to live the way He expected. It was a deep love and reverence of my Redeemer that led me to walk worthy of the Bridegroom, no matter what it took.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26)

I recall as I wrote that book, the first time He dangled a vision of that “old self” before me, how I cried tears drawn up from  a deep well. A well dug out over a lifetime of pain, rejection, abandonment and being manipulated. The more I allowed Him to write my truth through me, the cleaner I felt. Writing down my life toppled every wall around my life, stone by stone. Removed the chains of bondage, link by link. I worshipped and praised Him through every heartbreak over a lost childhood, lost parents, lack of love, lack of healthy boundaries….but despite the pain I walked through over who I was and all I’d endured, I held onto my Redeemer for dear life as He gently restored me. He crafted me into the child he knew “before the womb” and I gratefully received it all.

While I may not have understood back then, what I now know as living a Torah pursuant lifestyle, I strived for it nonetheless. I did my part in sharing with others what a Biblical life lived for The Father and worthy of the salvation of Yeshua/Jesus should resemble. Most people, Believers included, thought I was being too strict in my walk. But, I trusted Who was leading me. In the months leading up my relocation from Ohio to Tennessee, the Ruach HaKodesh led me to do a word study of the word “pure.” I had no idea why but complied. This study reiterated my entire belief system and how I’d been led to live in the years leading to that point: I was to walk in holiness, in purity, forever. This was part of, and important to, my anointing as well. More than anything, I desired to be used fully by The Father!

So, while they may have seemed harsh, these posts about walking the ancient paths with Adonai, and allowing the refiners fire to burn off the dross of your lives in oder to be worthy of the Lamb who was slain, understand, I was looking at my reflection in the mirror. It was a reminder of who I once was, and how I never (ever) want to backslide into anything that resembles her. He deserves more. He is the only One worthy of the sin that was laid down at His feet, while I washed them with my hair. No one would have guessed that throughout my life I was reaching for the tzittzit hanging from the hem of Yehsua’s  priestly robe – always seeking love and approval but never being filled. My guess, you might be too. Somewhere within there is a longing to be free from the sin that keeps you bound to your past, shortcomings, addiction or pride. Find yourself worthy, friend. He does!

Do you know how beautiful your life can be, if you simply grab onto His hand and never let go? I do…so if you want to grow deeper in Him, first reach for your Bible and start “In the beginning…” (Genesis) and tie the front of the book through to “The grace of the LORD be with you all. Amen.” (Revelation) It’s the only way to understand  the complete picture of what Adonai desires from you.


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