I want you to know that no matter what I say about the difficult relationship between my mother and me, I loved her dearly. I spent my entire life trying to honor and help her. Unfortunately, that “help” wasn’t always healthy. The more I grew in my relationship with Yeshua/Jesus the more apparent that divide became. She was a lost soul, and years back after helping me to create healthier boundaries, Yahweh also helped me to have more compassion for my mom. Her lostness, which caused our issues, stemmed from a lifetime of unhealed trauma and trust me, there was a lot. She couldn’t receive healthy, godly love no matter how hard I tried.
In mid-January, Mom fell at a park in Cocoa Beach, Florida and fractured her hip. She was in the hospital then a rehab facility for a little over one month. During this time, I stayed stressed out over the lack of good care and the fact that Abba simply was not releasing me to help her; it was not His plan for me to go because there was more to the story. I communicated with her daily, if not more than once a day, and tried to keep her spirits up through the discomfort of PT, lack of sleep and good nutrition. Due to a personal situation she was in, releasing her was an issue. Yet, despite this, the rehab released Mom well before she was physically ready; she was unable to walk on her own, discombobulated and scared. And, I could not help. It was very, very hard.
On the morning of February 21st I received a phone call from the Cocoa Beach Police Department that changed my life: my mother had passed away.
This was 3 1/2 days after leaving the rehab facility.
Mom’s death was about as tragic as her life: She died in her SUV while in a McDonald’s drive-thru. When I received the news, I recall saying over and over, “My poor mom…I’m so sorry Mom that you died alone and this way….” It was so agonizing to my heart. To this day the medical examiner still cannot state cause of death. She passed in the blink of an eye – and for this I am grateful to God because she had suffered enough for one lifetime. Her poor cat was in the SUV with her, so after already being traumatized by staying with strangers for a month, he was even more so after this incident. Thankfully the police took him to the animal control center where they cared for him until I was able to get him.
My sister and I drove to Florida. It was a bad experience for us both emotionally and physically. The pain I was in, all around, took a hard toll on me. We were exhausted and trying not to think about everything before us. The police sorta fibbed about the condition of her SUV, which I had to get out of their impoundment. Seeing it broke my heart to pieces even more. My sister was being a jerk and I had to get stern with her (she’s 12 yrs my junior) and tell her to have some respect.
We arrived and were told we could not even see our mom. She was at the county medical examiner’s office and they didn’t allow the public in. That was traumatizing for us both. The trail of disarray over Mom’s possessions and some issues she was having became apparent very quickly. My sister and I ended up having an argument while in Florida and parted ways at a restaurant late one night – we haven’t spoken since.
Processing that Mom is gone at age 67, and not knowing why, was difficult. I prayed about the situation and was soon blessed with a deep peace. I realized this peace was my Heavenly Father’s answer to all the questions I’d posed. While I do miss Mom, that peace has helped me to have joy that the hard life she lived is now over and she too found peace. Finally! It is one of the things I’d prayed for the most. Sadly, it came post mortem. Also, Yahweh revealed that those strong revelations I was receiving were about her eminent death. I believe that season of warning helped me greatly to accept her death and not grieve and fret over things I had no control over.
Today, as I was sitting here being led to write, I was led to Psalm 51 which is one of my favorite psalms. The verse that immediately jumped out and made me cry, I know pertained to my mother’s life:
“Behold, I was brought forth in guilt,
And in sin my mother conceived me.” (v 5)
Not only was my mother conceived out of wedlock, so was my sister and I. I know the shame that was put upon her while pregnant with me was left un-dealt with her entire life. She says I was wanted. My sister was a surprise but loved. While I have notions, we will never truly know how Mom felt about herself. Writing this post is weighing very heavily upon my spirit but I know it is of the Lord, for it gives a brief understanding to you of the things I’ll be sharing next, none easy.
“Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being,
And in secret You will make wisdom known to me.
7 Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
Cleanse me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness,
Let the bones You have broken rejoice.” (Psalm 51:6-8)