The Lord is my shepherd,
I will not be in need.
He lets me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For the sake of His name.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Certainly goodness and faithfulness will follow me all the days of my life,
And my dwelling will be in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23 NASB)
In part 2, I walked through the breech in my spirit that the Father made me aware of, and when it occurred, as a backstory to what I’ll share in part 3. I can truly say that the verses of Psalm 23 have held true in my life more than I could have fathomed over the course of 7 months, from late October 2022 through today (May 31, 2023).
Paths to righteousness
“He guides me in the paths of righteousness for the sake of HIS name…” It is all about Yahweh. Everything was created by Him, for Him. He has predestined our lives, therefore, Yahweh foresees every detail of our lives. His ways and thoughts are so much higher than our own. How can we fathom what paths to righteousness He will lead us down? Only He knows what it takes to truly make a person righteous in His eyes.
We can say “Lord, Lord…we did this and that in your name…” yet Yeshua can still retort, ‘I never knew you’. What a horrid thought that is for anyone who loves Him and keeps his commandments; who loves Yahweh with all of our heart, all of our strength and all of our mind.
Where then does the “block” to righteousness come from? Sin. Yes, even unintentional sin. Because the other instruction we are given by Yeshua/Jesus is to “love your neighbor as yourself” and most of us definitely don’t do that right. Not me, not you.
My mother came to visit me from Florida on the night before Thanksgiving (2022) for 9 days. Nine days too many, after our spending over two weeks together in close quarters. I didn’t intend for her to stay so long because I knew what would happen: she’d upset me to the point of anger. That was our relationship and had been for most of my adult life. I tried so hard to control my tongue! But the ungodly things which resided within her knew exactly how to push me. And, I knew exactly how to shut them up but it wasn’t pretty. Ever. But nine days she stayed and at the end of it, I had yet another conversation with her about how she treats me. When you love someone, you try to make things better. I always tried to get things to improve between us but it ended up being a one-sided attempt.
She saw how much physical discomfort I was in. She even said it was her fault, yet, there was no “emotion” or sympathy behind her eyes.
I saw things in the spiritual happening around her; it was the same thing that I’d been shown by the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) before and while moving her to Florida: things were not going to go well for her.
I again voiced my concern over her living in Florida; she again brushed it off. It wasn’t going away….Yahweh was trying to reveal things about her situation.
The physical issues I was having continued. It was the weekend of December 24th when an arctic blast of cold weather covered most of the country, and my area saw temperatures well below zero. I had to go outside though, because the dog had to do his business. On December 26th, I began to lose the ability to bend over and the pain I’d been experiencing became excruciating. I had a friend drive me to the ER and it was not a good experience. They refused to hear all of the symptoms and only did an X-ray on my lower back and left hip. This led to what I now know was a misdiagnosis. They told me I had some arthritis in my left hip and shoved me out the door. While I did not believe that was “it” there wasn’t anything more I could do. It was as though the bitter cold had frozen my bones!
However, I began to understand that is wasn’t the bitter cold, rather bitterness.
Psalm 37:8 says, “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.”
After being with my mother for so long, I recalled saying to Yeshua how I hated the person she brought out of me. She brought out the gutter worst in me – and I knew it wasn’t me, it was a spiritual battle that I fought against. I am not a bitter, mean, angry person by nature. Never have been. But that is what boiled up inside of me when in her presence. I would repent over and over again for allowing her to provoke me so. In Psalm 32:3-5 David puts it well, “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin.”
Amen! This is what I began to work through in early January, ridding myself of any sin in her regard that was lying beneath the rug collecting dirt.
Always leave them with love
During that conversation in December, and after any conversation I’d had with my mom, I always reiterated that I loved her…and what I needed was for her to love me. To simply be a mom. For many reasons this was hard for her. She loved me in the only way she knew how, this I had come to understand years prior. I never let her leave my presence without trying to speak to her heart. In hindsight, I see that The Father gave me all of this time with my mom for a reason.
A painful discovery
The pain in my body from January through just a few weeks ago became unbearable. I have gone through so many different phases of pain. Over the past couple of months I sought further medical help. I have not been able to work. On most days sitting was the worst activity so I simply kept busy around the house or stood all day. Another hindsight is now understanding why I was led to save, save, save money over the past several years…because God knew what was coming and was preparing me for a famine.
My initial thought throughout this past year was I may have MS or Lyme disease because what is what the research I did was leaning toward (yes, I’d had tick bites). We did blood work in April and praise Yeshua it came back clear of Lymea and even arthritic markers (autoimmune). We then did an MRI. Those results were a bit scary; it appears that I have severe lumbar spinal stenosis (a narrowing of the spinal cord shaft that can cause paralysis) and a disc extrusion. I have yet to actually see the MRI image and am scheduled to see a neurosurgeon. I believe this diagnosis as it absolutely explains all I’ve endured; I knew by the symptoms it was a nerve issue and not merely inflammation.
During this time I’ve nearly lost use of my left leg and slowly regained it. For almost a month I’ve dealt with a numb left calf and foot – but thankfully this has gotten better too. I cannot walk very much right now which is very hard on both me and my sweet pup. We’ve both had a huge lifestyle adjustment – no hiking or ability to go exploring since I also couldn’t sit down for months. If you read the post ‘Perfect Love Casts Out Fear‘ you have more understanding of the pain severity. However, and I say this strongly, it wasn’t until I dealt with the many spiritual dirt balls under the preverbal rug that the pain finally began to subside. I suspected all along this is spiritual on top of an injury (all of those falls).
There is no cure for this condition, only treatment. Yet, my hope is not in a doctor, a procedure or treatment. I’ve had about 50 people praying for me. I trust that Yeshua has gone before me and made intercession, but that my Father also hears my every utterance. My hope and faith is 100% in The ONE who can cure all!
Read Part 1
Read Part 2