“We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, we also are in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.” (1 John 4:16-18)
When a person has endured prolonged pain and persistent symptoms of illness, they either go down under it or they overcome it. This is also what the outcome of a prolonged spiritual attack can look like: One either fights the battle, with Adonai, to the end or they go down underneath the stress, darkness, etc. Not knowing a God-shaped love can be a lifelong spiritual battle; one only won by coming into an intimate relationship with the God who loved us first; the God whose perfect love (although mysterious) casts out the fear within us, and leads us through each battle.
There are instances where a physical issue can avalanche into spiritual attacks, or where the physical has a spiritual root. Sin or bondage. Hell on earth.
Is it spiritual?
What I’ve walked through over the past 6 months (really, longer) has been a tandem effort by The Father – trying to finally release me from the bondage of false burden – and lifelong spiritual issues coming against me from within my biological family. In turn, the enemy was finding any and every hole to slip through, in attempt to convince me I am never going to be well again. In complete transparency, he has torn me apart both physically and mentally.
But Yahweh (God)…
The relentless love and pursuit of The Omnipotent ONE, He who never ever forsakes or leaves us. We must remember that Yahweh is sovereign, even when we’re in the pit being held against our will, against a wall by the adversary – who is using every device he can (and will) against us: stress, pain, illness, heartbreak, grief, solitude, lack of love…all of which have been thrown at me over and over since early 2022.
The Almighty lover and creator of our souls; He whom has spent 14 years building this Disciple up, tearing me down, then rebuilding me all over again – in preparation for seasons such as this, where we will be torn to shreds. Yet, the faith, emunah, is so strong and I cling so tightly to the tassels on Yeshua’s hem, my hands bleed. I will not for a moment deny this season has not tested every fiber of my being, reduced my emotions to dusty tears and shrieking screams through immense pain. Reduced me…this is KEY! Less of me, more of Him! (Amen.)
Last night, a Friday night so erev Shabbat, I was at a low point, I was mentally trying to overcome intense nerve pain in my left leg – a heavy attack of the enemy as I soon discovered. Earlier in the evening I had reached out to members of my old church in Ohio for prayer; yet, not discovering the powerful intercession going up on my behalf during that exact time until after this episode occurred. I’d had enough! Like truly, I felt like I was at a breaking point: emotionally, physically and mentally.
Lest ye not forget brethren: the cup of darkness usually passes before us right before a breakthrough comes. Never stop pushing through, never let go of Yeshua’s (Jesus’s) hand. As that is the same hand that initially pulled us out of the miry clay of who we once were, or the bad lives we endured. His hand will not let go of us. We are the ones who usually push it away. We give up on Him, not the other way around.
I was standing in the bathroom trying to get ready for bed and was fighting with everything swirling around me, when out of my mouth came these words:
“This is not Your love. You say you love me Father – this is not what Your love looks like! This is not YOU. Your love is peace, joy, abundance. There is none of that in this constant horrible pain I am in…” (I went on but will stop here.)
Then, it was like a switch flipped in the room and things got calm. I heard, “Yes, you are right! My love is not painful. Perfect love is not painful. Your whole life ‘love’ has been painful. Now you will never allow painful ‘love’ into your life again.”
So many of us know this trauma way too well. The affect on people – mind, body, and spirit – of the abuses, neglect, jaded, expectant, rejection of the broken version of love inflicted upon us, at all stages of life, hides within.
Only The Father’s Perfect Love can open it up, dump out all the ugly and love it back to life. And, though we go through this in phases, if the “painful love” is still present, within and without, we’ll never fully heal. We can only get better at walking through it, setting healthy boundaries and understanding what “painful love” looks and feel like – then try to avoid it.
The Father, in His great mercy, began showing me months back what part of said “painful love” (such an oxymoron) triggered all of this dis-ease within my body – it was a recent occurrence with my mother, which furthered buried itself within me as emotional pain. It was a life long battle – one I had to work hard against. The build-up from the past year’s events with her was my body’s breaking point, after being disrespected continually and my feelings ignored, plus, being taken advantage of by her. This opened the door to fierce spiritual attacks. Hence, the battle between the principalities of this world and the heavenly realm, which ensued around me.
Fighting the good fight
I have fought the good fight but to say I am depleted is an understatement. This is a hard and humbling thing for me to admit, seeing I’ve always rebounded quickly from past trials. If I didn’t have the strength of my Savior (and the prayers of many saints) carrying me, I literally wouldn’t be writing this today.
I believe what I experienced in my bathroom was a breakthrough I’ve been striving for since 2009 when I gave my life over to Yeshua.
Soon, I will continue to dangling posts, which will help fill in some blanks for those reading. But this is what I was led to share in the moment.
And, of course, this beautiful movement of Yahweh happened just as we entered into the Passover (Pesach) season when we are called to clean out the leaven (sin & bondage) from our houses (lives).
(Image borrowed from: https://www.frontlinestudy.com/fratelli-tutti/love-casts-out-fear/)