“My son, do not forget my teaching,
But have your heart comply with my commandments;
For length of days and years of life
And peace they will add to you.” (Proverbs 3: 1-2)
Over the past several months I sought God’s wisdom about anything possibly hidden inside of me that could be a root cause or sin preventing me from healing: He honored my request. I’d gone through several deep pools of water already, spending time asking the Ruach HaKodesh/Holy Spirit to clear me out of any trauma or evil spirit-related dings in my armor, so was prepared for whatever might surface. While going through this searching period, I heard the same word, a couple of times: Hate. Proving as always how seeking God’s wisdom leads to clarity.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
I paid close attention to His leading and asked for clarity, which came. There existed spiritual unrest within me associated with my mom as well as my biological family (maternal and paternal). Please understand, “hate” was not a prevalent thought, and definitely not an attitude I portrayed, rather something I had experienced loosely over the many years of struggle. The Ruach showed me how I also received hate from her/them, which was damaging.
Knowledge of “hate” existing in my heart was a difficult pill to swallow because I have worked diligently over the years to forgive everyone who had ever wronged me, and vice versus repenting and asking forgiveness to people I had wronged. Yet the issue continued to resurface; any work to “fix” things were one-sided, and “stuff” ran deeply within over the years. It’s nearly impossible to keep your mind’s crevices clear when this is happening. (Early in my walk, I had taken a profound course by Dr. Caroline Leaf on how to clear your mind of negative emotions and thoughts that was absolutely amazing!)
After I initially received that one word in my spirit I took time to deal with it. I had been wrestling for years with anger that would occasionally boil up from nowhere, especially with my mom, but also when stressed out or feeling disrespected. It had been coming out often during this season of physical pain as well, and that is just not my normal. So, one afternoon I literally talked it out with and repented to Yahweh; I awoke the next day feeling the release: Not just spiritually but physically. That’s when some progress toward healing of this tangled mess in my body truly began to transpire.
“Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body and refreshment to your bones.” (Proverbs 3:7-8)
Would life be different if I had cut my mom out of my life and was not being subjected to her mental and emotional issues, and not done the necessary work, earlier on, to be sanctified? I had worked on cleaning out my heart, to the best of my ability, while she was living. I’m grateful I recognized how her life, even after death, would affect me and I’d need to clear out the clutter left behind. It is hard to talk to others about how I feel now, to explain why I don’t feel a ton of grief rather I have peace. Freedom. I have taken solace in the fact my mom is no longer suffering through a life where she had absolutely no peace or purpose. She couldn’t hide her reality from me but she wore a facade with almost everyone else. She lived in an altered state of reality that I saw right through. It was quite cumbersome. After being redeemed by The Blood, I broke free from participating in that lie; this made our relationship all the more difficult. Because I saw Truth and the truth of the bondage we were both under.
The Ruach HaKodesh revealed to me some time ago how the demons operating within her hated me. They knew they’d lost their grip on me and didn’t want my influence near her. So it just kept slowly trying to squeeze the life out of me. All the while I’m trying to love and honor my mother. (If you’ve been around the blog for a while, you know I didn’t have a relationship with my dad, who passed away in August 2022.) My mom didn’t know how to correctly love or function because of her own bondage – it was heartbreaking! I have been taken back a few times, into my child’s eye, and seen where things in my childhood were off kilter. I have one strong memory of getting into the pre-wrapped Christmas presents, around age 11, so I could practice my reactions as not to hurt her feelings if I didn’t like something.
I’ve had moments with The Father lately that have been hard yet necessary to heal within, so my body could also be released from this constant manifestation. (The spirit that hated me also did not want to lose its presence in my life – but Yahweh has other plans for me, amen!) . Mom’s death and the ensuring stress was just another attempt to take me down – because the pain and issues worsened afterward. I’m not denying I have a legitimate injury but until I was released from the spiritual issues, I wasn’t being released by The Father to heal. And, yes, healing has begun, and I praise Him for it!
So, with love, I urge you not to hold anything back from Yahweh. Even if you don’t know or believe it’s inside – trust His omniscience!
“Blessed is a person who finds wisdom,
And one who obtains understanding…
Her ways are pleasant ways,
And all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her,
And happy are those who hold on to her.
The Lord founded the earth by wisdom,
He established the heavens by understanding.
By His knowledge the ocean depths were burst open,
And the clouds drip with dew.
My son, see that they do not escape from your sight;
Comply with sound wisdom and discretion,
And they will be life to your soul
And adornment to your neck.
Then you will walk in your way securely,
And your foot will not stumble.
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Do not be afraid of sudden danger,
Nor of trouble from the wicked when it comes;
For the Lord will be your confidence,
And will keep your foot from being caught.” (Provers 3:13.14, 17-26)